Pictures that make me cry uncontrollably. And that make me happy. That remind me of who I am when everything else just feels surreal. You knew me right away.
S L E E P / W A L K
I met someone who reminded me of you. I met someone who shared intense energies, and it reminded me of traveling. It reminded me of the world spiraling through my being, how high it makes me. Of the intimacy of souls connected without words nor physical intimacy and how excited it makes me. How I fall in love all the time in a million different ways, how I truly love. It used to wear me down back when I had yet to gain the knowledge of letting go. Of not owning. When I still would mistake energies like that for something society has taught me to call “love” or having a “crush”. I met someone who made me realize that loving and owning are two very different things. I don’t belong to anyone. I am not someone’s property and I would never wish to capture you. “Not here to capture. Not here to claim”. I love you because you’re free.
I met someone who balanced my energies in just the right way. Society told me it was wrong, from the back of my head. But I’ve come too far to listen to what society claims anymore. You never had a clue. That’s okay, I exist for that reason.
I used to think I was wrong for loving so much. For feeling these strong and intense emotions with people, I used to think that I was just longing for someone to love. But I have understood now, that I already love. In a million different ways, and in a million different kinds of relationships. It doesn’t mean that I am not longing for someone to share my life with, it just means that I am not sure what the whole concept means to me anymore. Do I really need someone to be exclusively with me? I think so, one day. But I feel like anything could happen at this point, and it just shows me that I am exploring my freedom. What freedom truly means to me.
I’m happy to inform you that I am learning how to be free. And I realized what I needed to do in order to make it happen. I am going home. First Denmark for a few days, then hitchhiking my way up to my home in Sweden. I will say hello to old and new friends along the way. I am going home. Tomorrow. A lap around the world without flights was always Berra’s passion, and to me it was definitely something cool and a good way to inspire people. But my heart truly burns for other things. And so, it’s time to part ways.
I’ve never been this out of balance in my emotions, and not able to know what to expect. My ability to read situations and people is momentarily non-existent, and reality feels more dream-like than my dreams. And in the middle of it all I have found a home here in Victoria, BC. You have no idea how confusing it is. And beautiful. I will come back here one day. To Spiral Café, to the blue bridge, to being awkward at Solstice Café, to the thrift stores and vegan options all around, to loving arms and understanding. To falling asleep to music with Carolyn and Mike in Carolyn’s bed. To talking for hours, to dancing in the grass. Singing loud when walking down the street, dancing dancing dancing. Being free, as if being free is all I’ve ever been. To exploring with Kaitlin. Being loved by people who never needed me to be anyone but me. Here. Now. Honesty.
I am madly in love with this place and with all of these people.
I’m good enough, I’m okay no I’m fucking brilliant. I’m good enough. I feel small, unimportant. I’m good enough. I can be fantastic if I want to. I feel insignificant but it’s not true. It’s not true.
I try to find some kind of mantra, something, but I’m only good at fooling myself in the opposite direction. My cynical self-consciousness smiles that evil smile. He has me exactly where he wants me. I say a silent fuck you because saying it out loud would be giving him exactly what he wants to hear. And I try to walk away, hide. How I envy those who can exist without ever caring about what other people think. Teach me how to be free. Still warm and caring, but free and strong. Not arrogant, not obnoxious. Not ignorant. Understanding. Honest. Free. I try. Hard. I face him all the time and I say: “You know, you are wrong. So very wrong”. I’m good enough. I’m just not good enough in the treating of myself.
I wish it wouldn’t have to be such a weird thing to choose not to murder or abuse other lives, to not want to poison myself with neither alcohol nor other drugs, to want to be able to be me and not be defined by social constructions of gender. I wish I wish I wish really hard. Is it true yet?
WE HAVE A GIG IN VICTORIA, BC! 7-9pm on Friday the 13th at Spiral Cafe. Come come!
"I think a lot of people like to see gender as this scale of blue and pink," Emma, a 20-year-old college student, told the magazine. "I never really identified with either side of that, or even in between blue and pink. It’s so much more complicated — my identity varies so much on any given day. Sometimes I tell people I’m gold or something."
I appreciate that it includes a bit from the original article, which clarifies:
"This growing community encompasses people who see themselves as agender (neither male nor female), bi-gender (both genders) and gender-fluid (shifting from male to female)."