Raised by the northern folks and beautiful forests of Sweden - trying to make it one lap around the world without flying. Musician. Genderqueer. Vegan, passionate about life and making it as good and honest as possible. Love cozy, love creative. I love tea and people who love to drink tea with me. I love people who dare to question e v e r y t h i n g.
It’s dark. It has been dark a while and I’ve been so scared of what it means. Of not finding my way back to feeling the meaning of all of this. My purpose. And my value. I need to leave here and try something else.
I pack my bag and I see those bracelets. The necklace. And I once again feel they were never meant for me. I’ve known for a while but my fear of letting go has so far been the undefeated grand champion of this battle. “They’re just bracelets. And that necklace is Buddhist and all, it has a nice meaning to it..”. No. They remind me of bad situations and dishonesty. No matter what the purpose of them was originally I don’t feel it anymore and it’s unfair to hang on to them. I wonder if letting go might give me my purpose back. I decide to go through with it, I decide to leave them behind together with a note, hoping that someone else will find them and create a much better relationship to them. Take better care of them. The scenario that runs through my head is this: A group of party-loving backpackers enter the room, one of them accidentally knocks down everything on the floor, ignores the note and takes the bracelets and the necklace without even giving them much thought. Just a few more trophies along the way. A part of me is content with never knowing what will happen to them. Letting go means letting go of the control, and I am ready.
One week later. An open mic night. I am crawling up from my dark pit by volunteering at a vegan cafe. Taking steps forward. This night I’m in town at an open mic night to find other artists for a music event that I am arranging at the cafe. Next up is Lisa. She is nervous. She is brave. And she takes me off guard when she all of a sudden sings Silver coin by Angus and Julia Stone. I wonder how she knows about this song; “No one knows about this song!” It has meant a lot to me for quite a while. I listen with all of my heart and she sings with all of hers. I wonder what it means to her. I wonder if she realizes that this song in this moment performed by her is meant for me. It must be. I decide to ask her to play at my music event, overwhelmed by her warm energies when I do. Surprised when she accepts without even hesitating. I leave Led Zephyr that night with a feeling of gratitude. I needed this.
A few days pass and we’re up on the roof, me and Lisa. I’m showing her around the cafe. While we’re admiring the view from the rooftop she suddenly turns to me looking a bit insecure. She says something like: “This might be a strange thing to ask but, you stayed at Done Right before?” I nod. “Did you leave something behind? Because I found this and… ” she puts one hand around the other wrist and her voice fades away from my conscience for a second when I realize I’ve seen those bracelets before. I try to hide the fact that chills are running through my body, for a moment I lose control and I just stare at them and then at her. She sees it and she too realizes that I am the very Sab that left those bracelets and that necklace behind. “I left them behind because I felt they weren’t meant for me. I never thought I would see them again..”, is all I manage to say. And eventually, she tells me the story of her impulse to move to Done Right that day, that in her state of mind it gave her comfort to find what I had left behind. She calls it “the kindness of a stranger”. I tell her my story and it’s clear that they truly were meant for her.
It all makes sense now. In order to be happy you need to let go of things that make you sad.
Volunteering at a vegan restaurant. Lovely people who cook AMAZING vegan food and make me happy just by existing.
Beaches and bungalows, old friends and oceans of a lifetime. Fear. Someone seeing right through me just to try and get to me. No solution. But it will not make me stop trusting people, I’ll just stop trusting you. Imagining a busy market freezing all of a sudden, like a 3D image. Walking around, looking at their expressions. “What are you thinking in this exact moment? I would love to be a part of something but not this. I would love to be embraced by wonderful people but not by this.” I look at her as if I expect her to understand, or even hear my words. Her stare is blank even though she was in the middle of something and she’ll never know we had this conversation. When I press play again it will be like nothing ever happened.
So do I look beyond everything that I don’t believe in just to get to be a part of something? He said it’s important to find like-minded people and surround yourself with them. First of all I’m not so sure there is such a thing. Secondly I lost track of who I am so how about this: you find me instead?
I stopped counting the days, but it just made things more confusing. I went out on my own and I felt how strong I can be. Free. How scary it gets. I want to go home, that’s the truth. I’m facing one of the hardest parts of this journey right now. To not give in to fear and at the same time be careful with not putting feelings aside. How to find the balance? I know the reason I want to go home is fear - I’m longing for safety. And the answer is that I need to find it within myself. I’m just so very lost in trying to figure out how.
My hair is blue and I’m walking around town. It’s an adventure, because I have yet to explore these streets. I feel it, and I embrace it. My guitar is pressing on my back, adding more heat to an already burning hot day, creating even more sweat. The fabric of my dress is moist. Penang doesn’t care about that, she embraces me softly but thoroughly.
“So, what are you?” she asks. Some kind of fascination glowing in her eyes. Confusion, maybe? She hasn’t been able to put me under a category yet.
“I’m nothing in particular, I am me. Sabrina.”
And then we laugh and sing and dance together, because we know that we are all one. We share heartbeats and energies, and souls and dreams. I’m living on top of a vegan restaurant and life is great.
Shadows. I feel them, I feel you. The lights are on me so I cannot see your faces. You are just a crowd of shadows. Beautiful, wonderful shadows with lovely energies and I do my best to suck it all in. Swim in it. I do feel you. This is not a performance. This is me. This is us, together. Thank you for being brave enough to let me see your souls, and for seeing mine.
I ask for pieces of them. Lights on me. I ask for pieces of you, and you sit silently. Then, you give me everything. A pair of eyes that never look away, I feel terrified and safe at the same time. “I hesitate, I have to look away”. No. Guard down and the reward is immediate. We will never be the same again, after this. We will be entwined.
8 months and more have passed. Since the airport in Singapore. Since she disappeared into security check and I had to let her go. People stared more than usual as I broke down in the middle of it all. It was one of the hardest things I have had to go through, because I only had myself, and at some point I had to pick myself up from the floor of Changi Airport. They had no idea.
It makes me insecure to write about these things and so far I haven’t been able to. But it’s a part of this trip and one of the biggest reasons for me to have stayed in Melaka for this long. I needed time to put things back together, and at the same time be more creative in the making of myself. I still need time, but I can’t stay here.
And I feel like a million lifetimes have passed, like I was sucked into a whirling storm of.. anything. Everything. Nothing. We are leaving. And after this we will be going to new places, where you haven’t been. Where none of us have been. It’s the second half of the journey; the journey back to Sweden. Back home.