Yesterday something told me that I need to forgive you. It kept coming right at me when I was organizing my stuff in my new home in Gothenburg. A small, pink, folded tissue. With a drawing of a person on a bicycle, and the words “I’m sorry, sab” on it.
I haven’t yet figured out the meaning of it. The importance. But the signs are clear; I have reached a point in my life where it is essential I forgive you. I suppose forgiveness truly is important.
The Swedish forests are burning and I keep seeing it as the biggest metaphor ever. Hardcore proof of the existence of everyday discrimination. The people are providing all the help they’ve got. All of a sudden there are a million offers of places to stay, food to eat, care-taking of animals offered by all kinds of people and even psychological help. But for the people sitting outside the grocery stores begging for their mercy every day, for the people who flee their countries hoping they’ll have a chance of a life here.. that’s a different story. Those people we cannot help, because of “no resources”. People who are different or whose fates we cannot understand; they scare us way too much to help.
It’s good that you’re helping at all. But don’t you dare tell me you don’t know how to help or that you have no idea on what to provide next time I ask you why you can’t even look those people in the eyes, the ones who need to beg in order to survive. Why you can’t even acknowledge their existence and show them that you do see them. Don’t you tell me that there is nothing you can do. Clearly, you know exactly how to help. We are all beings on this earth. Why do some deserve help while others don’t? Is that not discrimination? You can help. You know you can. Not just when it is our own forests that are burning. It’s up to us, NOT the government or some organization, to make all people feel loved, safe, included and respected here. It is our responsibility as fellow beings.
When I was in ninth grade I received a diploma. Together with the results of my grades I received a diploma. In Sweden back then you could get a maximum of 320 points. I got 310 and I was disappointed. And it was encouraged. “Great effort!”.
And my diploma was framed, forever to be looked upon in admiration.
But you see, there is a problem with this. For me, grades were just another way to hunt down the approval of people who never knew me anyway. Who thought they wanted what’s best for me, and I know they did love me and they still do. But they never knew me for real nor had a clue of what was best for me.
It’s all just about status. Sure, I get that it makes it easier in some cases to know what kind of experiences someone has, to know if it’s the right person for a job for instance. But what about life experiences? What about all of the people who actually do not fit in to these patterns? Who need something else?
This is why I decided to burn my grades and my diploma. And dance while burning them. Because of freedom. Because of love. Because of all the beautiful things that are being neglected because of the blind hunt for status, approval and money. I burned them. Because they only caused me anxiety and pain, and because people actually encouraged me to it even though it was killing me. Now I’m killing destructive structures and building something true in the ashes.
Pictures that make me cry uncontrollably. And that make me happy. That remind me of who I am when everything else just feels surreal.
I met someone who reminded me of you. I met someone who shared intense energies, and it reminded me of traveling. It reminded me of the world spiraling through my being, how high it makes me. Of the intimacy of souls connected without words nor physical intimacy and how excited it makes me. How I fall in love all the time in a million different ways, how I truly love. It used to wear me down back when I had yet to gain the knowledge of letting go. Of not owning. When I still would mistake energies like that for something society has taught me to call “love” or having a “crush”. I met someone who made me realize that loving and owning are two very different things. I don’t belong to anyone. I am not someone’s property and I would never wish to capture you. “Not here to capture. Not here to claim”. I love you because you’re free.
I met someone who balanced my energies in just the right way. Society told me it was wrong, from the back of my head. But I’ve come too far to listen to what society claims anymore. You never had a clue. That’s okay, I exist for that reason.
I used to think I was wrong for loving so much. For feeling these strong and intense emotions with people, I used to think that I was just longing for someone to love. But I have understood now, that I already love. In a million different ways, and in a million different kinds of relationships. It doesn’t mean that I am not longing for someone to share my life with, it just means that I am not sure what the whole concept means to me anymore. Do I really need someone to be exclusively with me? I think so, one day. But I feel like anything could happen at this point, and it just shows me that I am exploring my freedom. What freedom truly means to me.
I’m happy to inform you that I am learning how to be free. And I realized what I needed to do in order to make it happen. I am going home. First Denmark for a few days, then hitchhiking my way up to my home in Sweden. I will say hello to old and new friends along the way. I am going home. Tomorrow. A lap around the world without flights was always Berra’s passion, and to me it was definitely something cool and a good way to inspire people. But my heart truly burns for other things. And so, it’s time to part ways.
I’ve never been this out of balance in my emotions, and not able to know what to expect. My ability to read situations and people is momentarily non-existent, and reality feels more dream-like than my dreams. And in the middle of it all I have found a home here in Victoria, BC. You have no idea how confusing it is. And beautiful. I will come back here one day. To Spiral Café, to the blue bridge, to being awkward at Solstice Café, to the thrift stores and vegan options all around, to loving arms and understanding. To falling asleep to music with Carolyn and Mike in Carolyn’s bed. To talking for hours, to dancing in the grass. Singing loud when walking down the street, dancing dancing dancing. Being free, as if being free is all I’ve ever been. To exploring with Kaitlin. Being loved by people who never needed me to be anyone but me. Here. Now. Honesty.
I am madly in love with this place and with all of these people.